Announcement

Hello!

My other blog formerly known as "Brain Tarts" has been changed to "Josh Tarts." The site address changed with it. It can now be found at http://joshtarts.blogspot.com. Also I posted 8 new blogs on it today, and its interesting enough without those blogs. (But those blogs are pretty cool too.)

Life's Questions Answered? Part I

7 Questions

Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets? (Contacted Heinz Co.)

The Heinz Consumer Resource Center said:
"The separation that you described may occur naturally in any homogenized product, such as ketchup. When the container stands on the shelf (either in the store or in the home) for a period of time, the liquids and solid ingredients may separate. Shaking the bottle brings the liquid and solid ingredients together, while that occurrence is not an issue with the packets."


Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? (Asked numerous mattress suppliers)

Basically no, but I could not get anyone to officially say that. Frankly, mattress people are meanie heads.


Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?

I asked Heinz Insu Fenkl this question. Heinz is an author, editor, translator, mythology scholar, and the director of the Creative Writing Program at the State University of New York, New Paltz. He is also the director of ISIS: The Interstitial Studies Institute at SUNY, New Paltz. He was named a Barnes and Noble "Great New Writer" and Pen/Hemingway finalist in 1997.

Heinz said: "That is pretty weird as questions go, but probably not as outlandish as the discussion about Ariel's genitalia. From what I gather of mermaid folklore, and about the definition of cannibalism, I would say that eating one is NOT cannibalism. If you are working under the definition of cannibalism as the eating of a member of the same species, it gets a bit trickier, since it appears that humans can breed with mermaids. (If a human and a mermaid could have a child together, this suggests they are of the same species, by some definitions).

If one says that cannibalism is eating another HUMAN, the issue is simpler, since mermaids are not human (and for the religiously-minded, do not have souls). I suppose the simple solution, if you are ever faced with the stigma of cannibalism, would be to cut the mermaid in half and eat the fish part. A pretty gruesome and technical solution, to be sure."

Perfect answer, Heinz.


If you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?

While you are on the American airline's plane, the American laws are still in place. So no drinking if you're under 21. But just so you know, the drinking age is 18 in Quebec, Alberta and Manitoba, but 19 everywhere else in Canada.


What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8? (Emailed a couple ESPN and Yahoo! sports people)

With a 1/120,000 odd of it happening, the chances are slim; but anything is possible, right? If it was to happen, the NFL would just move down the totem pole until there was a determining factor. The order of factors in determining division standings are:

1. Head-to-head (best won-lost-tied percentage in games among the clubs).
2. Best won-lost-tied percentage in games played within the division.
3. Best won-lost-tied percentage in common games.
4. Best won-lost-tied percentage in games played within the conference.
5. Strength of victory.
6. Strength of schedule.
7. Best combined ranking among conference teams in points scored and points allowed.
8. Best combined ranking among all teams in points scored and points allowed.
9. Best net points in common games.
10. Best net points in all games.
11. Best net touchdowns in all games.

I asked Matt Mosley, ESPN Writer, what he thought would happen in this scenario. He said, "That question gives me tired head. I assume you would first go to head to head tiebreakers in the divisions. Then you have to look at point differentials. Now I'll go bang my head against the wall several times."

I would probably do the same thing too, Matt. More than likely, it would come down to victory strength and schedule strength . And it would lean heavily on point differentials because schedule strength can be debatable. But let's not stress our brains too much though; this will never happen. Not as long as the Patriots continue to dominate like they have.


If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?

Most court systems do not use a formal Bible or religious text to make people swear by anymore. In fact, in court you are not required to swear at all if you claim to not believe in God, or even swearing itself. A 1961 U.S. Supreme Court decision guaranteed oath-takers the freedom to conscientiously object to religion or the swearing of oaths.

But in a case where a Jewish person is in court and wants to use the Torah instead of the Bible, judges have allowed it. The use of the Torah and Quran have been used numerous times in court.

"At the 1945 court-martial of a U.S. Navy captain, a Japanese submarine commander testified after swearing an oath tailored to his belief in Shintoism. And in a 1997 federal terrorism case, a Washington, D.C., judge permitted witnesses to swear to Allah before taking the stand."


Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves? (My own opinion)

I grew up on a nice street in a bad neighborhood; and in bad neighborhoods, the education levels are lower than Barry White's voice when he sings "Let's get it on." I know people that would eat peanut butter thinking that there were not any real nuts in it. That's a scary thought, huh? So the answer, in my opinion, is yes. Some people are stupid enough to not realize that peanut butter contains traces of peanuts or other kinds of nuts. Sad, I know.

What's the difference between a novel and a book? (my research supplemented by Dr. Dinty W. Moore from Penn State)

In Wikipedia.com, a novel is described as "a long prose narrative set out in writing," and a book is described as "a set or collection of written, printed, illustrated, or blank sheets, made of paper, parchment, or other material, usually fastened together to hinge at one side." It seems that a novel is a literary form of writing while a book is just a medium of principle expression.

When asked this question, Dr. Dinty W. Moore, a Professor of English, Arts & Humanities from Penn State University, replied, "A book is simply words between two hard (or soft) covers. It might be a true story, a collection of poetry, a series of unrelated chapters, or instructions on how to build a hang-glider out of pipe cleaners. A novel, on the other hand, is specific: a book-length fictional story, usually more than 175 pages."

The Ambien Interview - Danna and Kelly

I have chronic onset insomnia. It sucks.

Basically, I have the hardest time actually getting to sleep. Once I'm asleep I'm fine, but getting there is the tricky part. So I use the aid of a mild sedative called Ambien. It is the only thing that has ever helped me fall asleep.

Saturday night I took it while my girlfriend and her friend was there. They recorded everything I said and did, and this is what they recorded:

Playing guitar

Sang me a song about snowboarding

Really likes making out when he’s on ambien. I kept telling him that he wouldn’t remember it and he got really sad, so he asked if we could take a picture.

Chewed on my ear…

Went and brushed his teeth, couldn’t walk

Kept falling over when he was in the bathroom

Said he needed to go pee before bed, but didn’t shut the door. I did

Came out…got in bed. Was uncomfortable so he changed his shirt in front of us

“You pushed me!” Thought I pushed him on his face on the bed.

Since he was on his knees, he decided to say prayers…out loud with all of us.

“Dear Heavenly Father, we’re thankful for this day and all our blessings. We’re thankful for no one getting hurt snowboarding today. Thankful for good friends, happy people, devin’s new snowboards, thankful that we were able to get everything done, get done, git er done. Thankful for Jesus and the atonement.”

*Tried to get in bed by rolling over his head. Couldn’t do it. Finally got in and I tried to tuck his legs in. “Here I’ll help you.” *lifts legs*

Remind me that we want to go fly our carriage in the skies.

Tell the people with the pink hats to stop staring at me. It’s weird.

Said Kelly could do better than Devin. “You’re a good girl.”

Fell asleep for a split second, “hey”

I’d been talking to him for 20 minutes or more and he said, “I didn’t know you were here!”

“Who did you think you were talking to?” I don’t know

“I am an impenetrable force-tress.” (Referring to a comment about how if we were both on ambien, we would do naughty things.)

Had him sing his abc’s. He said, abcdefghijklmnopqxyzwxyz, those are my abc’s, come and join me won’t you please?

Backwards…on tape!

*after watching the tape* I could do better than that guy. I’ll show him.

“Hey josh…remember when we made out?” “No we didn’t. Kelly, why would you let me do that when you know I have a girlfriend.”

“Why did you leave me alone with Kelly? She made a weird face at me.”

“Kelly, I miss you, *holds hand out* that wasn’t a high five.” “What did you want?” “To hold hands” 3 minutes later *opens eyes* “Why are we holdings hands? I didn’t want to hold them that long.” “I like Danna’s hands.”

“Josh would you marry me?” “Wow…that’s a scary question. I don’t like that.”

“Would you marry Kelly?” “I don’t know. She’s cool, I like her, maybe. She’s Jacob’s sister, which is weird. But maybe”

“Did you have fun snowboarding today?” “Yeah” “Am I a bad snowboarder?” “Yes.”

“How bad?” “Oh I don’t know. What’s the scale.” “1-10” “what’s worst.” “10” “Oh, you’re way up there. Like 6 or 5.”

“You’re a good kisser for not someone without experience.”

*saw the picture of us kissing* “Who are you kissing? Are you cheating on me?”

“No, Josh that’s you.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” “Who would I cheat on you with?” “I don’t know, Spencer.”

“What a green ity?” “I didn’t get to see her in it”

“If it was a really hot celebrity, I would break up with you first.”

“What’s the theme? Oh yeah, Paris. Let’s see Eiffel Tower, statue of liberty. I don’t know much about that culture.” *few seconds later* “Were we talking about the French? Let’s not talk about them.”

“Do you like Mexicans?” “Yeah, they’re alright.”

“Do you like black people?” “I see what you’re doing. You’re sneaky.” “Yeah, I like them. Some are dumb. There are intelligent idiots and idiot idiots. I call them niggers. They are stupid.”

“I’ll never be embarrassed over calling someone a nigger.”

So I am nuts on Ambien. I am obviously more comfortable on it than I have ever been before. I would like to think I would not normally say some of those things while not under the influence. At least my friends get a kick out of me getting quality sleep.

I have 7 minutes to write this

I don't write stream-of-thought style very often, but my cutie girlfriend Danna inspired me with her lists and stream-of-thought blogs. This past couple months I've:

Gone skydiving
Written a short story
Gotten a raise
Kissed a girl
Fixed my car
Cleaned my car
Broke my car
Told some rude neighbors to stop saying the F-word
Almost killed myself on a 4 Wheeler in Cedar City
Missed a friend that is sick
Almost went to Las Vegas
Slept in too much
Stayed up too late
Played NCAA Football 2008
Beat Tommy's Georgia Bulldogs with my South Carolina Gamecocks in triple overtime
Went running
Ripped my brother a new one for making my Mom cry
Played in the snow
Got a girlfriend (finally lol)
Helped a friend when they got their wisdom teeth out
Played on a flag football intramural team (4-1)
Had a friend introduce me to Flight of the Conchords
Got a new computer after 3 month without one
Went on a double date
Taught Sunday School without any preparation
Saw "30 Days of Night" and "Dan in Real Life" in one movie going experience
Became good friends with an old friend
Minimized my Ambien intake
Cleaned out the shed
I did something I shouldn't have
Became a mentor for a 7 year old boy named Brent
Sang in a special musical number in church
Played Oh Heck with an amazing family
Talked about the gospel with a friend
Missed some good friends back in South Carolina (Tony, Dan, Ben, Lindsey, and Rachel)
Played some intense basketball
Got the heat fixed in my car
Was greatly disappointed in a girl
Was greatly disappointed in a friend
Laughed a lot and joked about a lot of gross stuff I shouldn't have with Jacob, Devin, Tommy, Kofoed, and others
Woke up almost completely naked (I had one sock on)
Raked the yard
Felt more nervous than I had since my awkward days from just getting home from my mission


This has been a good couple of months.

Considerate Recklessness or Rudely Considerate?

Writing about traffic, or driving stories is lame.

But I have to vent and rant.

I was driving down past Liberty Square Apartments with my friend Jessica the other day. We were following a black SUV and we were not following too closely. As we neared 500 North, the black SUV slammed on their brakes to a complete stop in the middle of the road. I am not the nicest driver, but sometimes, I wait and try to understand what's going on before I react. I did that in this case. I looked for a old lady with a cane walking across the street, or maybe a lost dog darting into the road or maybe someone was having a heart attack in the car; but there was no life-threatening or even important reason to brake unexpectedly. The driver of the black SUV stopped rapidly in the middle of the road to say hey to a couple friends unloading their car on the side of the road.

Once this came into realization, I reacted. I put my hands up in frustration and the friends of the black SUV started giving me scowling looks like I was the one who slammed on my brakes in the middle of the road. One of them then mimicked me and I began to lose my cool. I rolled the window down and we exchanged words. The guy was defending his friend for abruptly stopping in the middle of a busy road. Some people might call this "good friendship," but I call it pompous stupidity.

Another thing that happens to me constantly is what I call being "rudely considerate," or "considerate recklessness." In Provo, Utah, people have this weird obligation to stop their cars in the middle of the road for random jaywalking pedestrians. I don't know if these Provoans know that their cars are much faster than the jaywalkers, but someone should really teach them driving etiquette. I'll be standing on the side of the road nowhere near a cross walk, and the only car in sight will slam on their brakes in the middle of the road so that I can walk across the street. Where's the logic in that?

I understand if you're driving through a parking lot and people are walking all over the place. You should yield to the people because a parking lot is really just a big boardwalk to a store from your car. The walkers have the right-of-way. And yes, I know pedestrians always have the right-of-way, but why do people stop their cars from going 40 mph down a road to stop dangerously in traffic's way to "be considerate?"

That is not being considerate. It's dangerous and annoying. But the worst part about it is when I don't stop, I look like a jerk. How twisted is that? I refuse to being a sitting duck on a dangerous road, and I get glared at. It's not really fair.

But if you've been to Utah, you probably don't have sympathy for me. You could probably out-do any bad driving story I have here. This is the home of all the self-righteous, every-member-a-traffic-officer drivers. I have never seen people pull out in front of me to try and get me to obey the speed limit until I moved here. It's amazing, in a bad way.

So I am a pioneer in this pioneer-founded state. I will continue to not stop in the middle of the road for jaywalkers, I will continue flashing my brights at the slow drivers driving in the fast lane and I will continue to use my blinkers to let everyone around me know what I am doing with this Honda Civic going 40 mph. Logic is not overrated.

Just a bit of short story stuff

Unglued (Relationship)

The speakers were creaking an electronic twitch. That meant his phone was receiving a text message. Not again.

He had been sitting at his desk for hours thinking about how to phrase his thoughts on the blank letter lying in front of him. He was the kind of person who absorbed the sounds and feelings of the night, but did not let them distract him from his task. He would sit in his uncomfortable, black chair and listen to soft, psychedelic rock while he tried to come up with the words that would make her understand.

Damn it. Another text message.

He knew it was her wondering where he was. She wanted to come over and get food, or watch some useless MTV reality show, or maybe sit by the fire and talk about their future kids and what kind of baby food we would get them. Was she serious?

He dreaded almost every minute of their relationship. He was not even attracted to her anymore. But why? He used to have fun with her. He used to adore her. During their partisan-emotional pow-wows, she would often pry into his subconscious. Her mining always seemed to circle back to the night of that one concert. That concert where he played eye tag with the lead singer of this indie, semi-pop band known as Emerly. Something about her made him lose all sense of commitment. He didn’t think she noticed, but she obviously did.

Was he displacing his love for his girlfriend for the lead singer of an only-decent band he saw once in concert? Probably not, but maybe. It didn’t matter anyway; he stopped loving her regardless of the reason, and now it was time to end things and move on.

He put the black Zebra ballpoint to the paper and wrote, “I’m sorry. You want the kids to eat chicken and carrot baby food when I want them to eat beef and beans. We should stop seeing each other.”

As he dotted the period at the end of the sentence, he chuckled. How could he not chuckle? That sentence was possibly the most ridiculous thing he had ever written without Ambien in his body. But somehow he knew it would make sense to her. He felt like that was the way she would communicate a breakup to him.

He leaned back in his decade-old chair. His desk was not balanced and it made him slightly dizzy when he noticed it. His Hispanic neighbors’ profanity came out of his window like someone from the future would appear out of a portal; completely unexpected and unnecessary. Then his eyes fixed on his vanilla scented candle. Few things distracted him like a small, dancing flame. He slipped away into another world like many people do on Monday mornings at work when the visions of the previous weekend take them away. This imaginary place was his sanctuary; and once he stepped onto solid ground of his imagination, he saw her. It was the girl from Emerly. The girl he couldn’t help but play eye tag with even while his girlfriend was glaring at him. She was singing his favorite song and looking directly into his blue eyes.

Why do you hold back?
Oceans never end
There’s plenty of slack
Look around you, flex and bend

It’s time to leave
Your surroundings are bleak
You can find an exit
Just look to me; you’re not weak

She was wearing a simple striped, dark blue Polo shirt with tight jeans. Her brunette hair was blowing in the wind. There is always a faint breeze in his daydreams. She had squinting eyes and perfectly straight, white teeth. The different parts of her face fit together in near-perfect harmony. Her skin was half as dark as a Greek’s, which made her look like she had just returned from a week in the Florida Keys everyday. She pulled the microphone close to her lush lips, and she sang deep and passionately. The speakers vibrated the entire room with her synthetic lyrics. Her eyes never left his. He did not want the song to end. But as the song faded out, she reached out her hand and said, “I need to tell you something.”

“Yes?” he anxiously asked.

“Can you keep a secret? This is something only you and I can know.”

“Yes, of course. What is it?” I asked.

Brrrrrr. The speakers blared with careless, static destruction. It was another text message. And of course, if must be her. Why doesn’t she just stop?

He leaned over his desk to finally look at his cell phone’s screen. 3 new text messages. He knew it was her. He would put a year’s worth of chicken and carrot baby food on it. The first message read: “Hey babe, call me! Let’s get some food and eat it by the fire.” The next message read: “Hey call me, we need to talk.” And the final message read: “We should see other people.”

For some reason, he did not jump up and celebrate like he would if the NCAA disposed of the BCS for a tournament style post-season. He felt a churning, burning sensation in the bottom half of his heart. He knew the problem had resolved itself, but somehow another slightly larger problem had made itself manifest. It’s hard to let a part of you and your past drown. He felt like he was sitting in a small boat that had a hole in it while crossing a vast lake. He used a bucket to empty as much water as he could, but the water continued to relentlessly board the boat. What can you do? He did not know.

As he thought about what he should do, his blue eyes caught the dancing nancy flickering on the wick and he flew away again. This time it wasn't to see the girl from Emerly; he appeared in his metaphoric boat on the vast lake. It was beautiful. And of course, there was a faint, lake breeze. But his hand was gripping something. What the he...? He looked down and saw a pole with an eight pound line and a hook with a squirmy worm on it. He smiled and cast. I love fishing, he thought. In the amount of time it takes to get bored watching golf, the line jerked. His instinct took over and he pulled in a fish. But once that fish was in his boat, he jumped to the opposite side of the boat causing the boat to almost capsize. That was not a fish.

It was a fish's body with his girlfriend's face. He was scared and confused, but more curious than anything as he creped toward the silver, scaly fish. When he got close enough to see the fish's personified face, he noticed she was crying. In that moment, he somehow bypassed the fact that his girlfriend had a fish's body, and he told her he was sorry. She said she was sorry, too. They talked for a little while and came to a good understanding. As the sun was saying good night, they were saying their goodbyes. He picked her up and lowered her into the lake. She immediately dove deep into the lake and out of polarized sight. As he sat in the boat, he had an epiphany...

Brrr. The speakers were crackling again. He jumped in his chair because the transition from that daydream was difficult. Is she texting me again? he thought, no longer feeling sympathetic towards their breakup. He looked at his cell phone once more expecting to see the words of his ex-girlfriend, but he was relieved to see it was not her. It was his friend informing him that Emerly was going to be having a show that weekend. He did not mind the speakers creaking this good news. He wondered how much the tickets would be, but it didn't matter; he loved seeing Emerly.

Dumbledore is a natural at flicking his hand, not because he's an extraordinary wizard; it's because he is gay

It was announced this week that Professor Dumbledore from the beloved Harry Potter series is a homosexual. This is great news -- For the gay community! For the rest of us, this is a tragic discovery.

Many people- straight and gay -are very upset about this news. I think its obvious why the straight community is mad. A role model, a child's icon is suddenly a drastically different person. The gay community (I'm speculating here) is upset because of the practically non-existent prescense this very relative (to them) piece of information is to the story.

J. K. Rowling escapes the critism and resentment of this colorful addition to her popular series by saying that Dumbledore's sexual preference had nothing to do with the context of the story. (I agree.) As much as we all want to know everything about the world of Harry Potter, there are things that aren't important. Knowing that Dumbledore was gay would only cause 14 year old boys to laugh and cause orthodox Christians to dislike the books even more than they already do. Everyone else would be completely indifferent. But mostly just because it wouldn't change the story. I think Rowling left it out because she didn't want people to read into anything involving Dumbledore's sexual orientation because it would detract from the story. And it would distracting because being gay is wrong and the controversies surrounding living an alternative lifestyle are rampant in our society. (The power that the gay community- one of the smallest minorities in our country- possess is scary.)

My real personal opinion is that this is something to drag out the Harry Potter craze for a little while longer. That's what she said. Or he said.

3rd Degree Disappointment

This is a more personal, stream-of-thought blog.

Last night around midnight, I found out that the girl I was crazy about was no longer moving to my city in January like she had planned. I had made plans revolving around her since meeting her in this summer. This news came with great shock and bitter disappointment. I had tried my best to not get my hopes up, because like in the past, I always get burned. I wouldn't classify this as "getting burned," but it feels very similar. I definitely had my hopes up.

The past two years have been great! I got off my LDS mission in December 0f 2005, and I immediately enrolled at the University of South Carolina as a biology major (I eventually switched to an English major). The two semesters at USC were not my favorite. I struggled socially and academically (I think they are connected - even though I would like to think they weren't). Over the summer, I moved to Cleveland, Ohio and worked for a dirty, unethical sales company called Firstline (who I hate now). I don't regret that summer, because I learned a lot of valuable things, but those experiences did cost me. Then after my second (socially miserable) semester as USC, I debated moving back to Utah to go to school. Everything about that option seemed good, so I did it. I left early from a family reunion in Myrtle Beach, SC on December 29 to drive through the wet, gradually decreasing temperatures of the South, the icy blizzards of the Midwest (I hate Kansas), and the towering, thin-aired terrain of the Rockies.

Driving through Soldier Summit at 95 mph, I realized this was the right decision; although, it could have been the adrenaline or the lack of oxygen at 6,000 feet above sea level. I spent the night that night with my friend Jacob because my housing complex wasn't allowing new tenants until the next day. Since being here, I've come to found out that I have the best friends in the world. Jessica, Devin, TK, Jacob, Dunn, Van, John, Kofoed, Leanna, Ben, Dan, Stuart, Joe, Nikki, Jessie, Cole, Edward, Kevin, Nathan, Paige, Jeremy, Sweet Pumpkin (April), Mary, and Haley. From the second I pulled into the Utah county, I have experienced nothing but fun, peace and happiness. There has not been a single disappointment for the past 11 months (since the cruise with naked Ashley- I'll tell that story another time). That's why this is so hard I think.

And now I face another decision in my life -- what the crap do I do now? I could easily roll over on this and decide this is my sign from God that we aren't meant to be. Or I could get depressed, and take out my frustration on her; or worse, on one of my other friends. I could never call her again and just get over it. I could feel taken advantage of (that's happened before) and retaliate against her. I could get over-anxious and try to change her mind by calling her too much and forcing a tighter bond to be made. But that would just make her like me less and probably make me repulsive and annoying.

All of those ideas are bad options. My real options are: 1) End things nonchalantly and still be "friends." But not good friends, because I'll start to like her again, of course. We still live in different cities, so we would only talk maybe once a month or something like that. 2) Continue to be good friends, like we are now, but without the guaranteed future. There would be a mutual understanding that there is a slim chance of a future together. But on my end, I would have to drop the emotional attachments or more accurate, the emotional hope. And lastly, 3) Endure. Realize that neither of us are even ready to get close to being serious with anyone. I can do my thing which is getting school done, saving money and keeping busy. She can do her thing which I don't think she even knows what "her thing" is. I think her best option now is to go on a mission. I didn't like this idea at first, but i think it's her best choice now. Let time go by and hopefully, that will give us both the answers we are looking for. Maybe she goes on a mission, I write her the whole time, and things get better than ever when she gets back. Maybe we go separate ways and both live happy lives despite veering off our projected life plan.

My real problem now is that I don't know how committed she ever was. I feel like that should have a major influence on this decision, but in reality, it doesn't. She wouldn't make this decision if she was as committed as I am (was). So I guess now I sit back, pray a bunch, and try to understand what I should do. And then do it.

CK: Sarcastic Enjoyment

I am halfway through my third Chuck Klosterman book. You might have never heard of Chuck; although, you have probably read something he wrote. He writes for everyone and I can almost guarantee you have stumbled upon some of his stuff. He writes (or has written for) ESPN, Esquire, GQ, Spin, The New York Times Magazine, The Washington Post, and many, many others. I have read most of his books: Fargo Rock City, Chuck Klosterman IV: A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas and I am devouring Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs. Next I will read his first book (I've kind of gone in a reversed chronological order) Killing Yourself To Live.

This man is a genius. He has this laid-back, sarcastic but lovable way of writing. He can be so prude and forthright, but still make you crack a smile. His description of things are so good and mostly biased. But he is openly biased and doesn't try to make an argument over his opinion. He likes to tell you how he sees it and how he thinks it should be, and then says, "Take it or leave it. I could be wrong; I'm probably right. Whatev." That mentality reminds me a lot of my friend Jacob. Maybe that's why he is gorging on IV after his CK discovery.

I'll be Frank (but I'm really Josh), CK likes some pretty dang horrible music. Glam rock? Really? But I have to respect his tenacity when it comes to his ear candy. He portrays KISS and Motley Crue and all those other ridiculously flagrant bands in a way that makes me not hate them. In fact, I have given some of them a chance and, I'll be honest, I still didn't really like them. But the point is, CK gave me a perspective I had never thought of before. He showed me a part of humanity and pop culture that I would never had experienced had I not been forced to read Fargo Rock City, then cautiously read IV and then hurriedly been read Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs.

CK is an interesting person; there's no denying that. And whether his ideas or theories are agreeable to you or not, you have to admit his perspective helps you understand whatever ya'll are talking about. Almost everything I've learned from CK, I have not regret learning.

Chuck Klosterman

I watched CSPAN...For like 12 minutes!

I really, really dislike television. I love some of the programs that air on television, but as far as the concept of television in our society goes, I do not like it. On average, I channel surf about once every couple weeks for no longer than 30 minutes. And it's not that I don't like commercials. And it's not that I think TV is hazardous in any way, and it's not that I think "there is nothing on." (there is always something on -- Starship Toopers is literally always on) I just think it is squalid to have your life revolve around something aesthetically pleasing, but frankly, selfishly extra-curricular as a television show. (Now I am a hypocrite because I silence the house and stare at the television with anticipation and utter glee at 8PM every Thursday for The Office -- "That's what she said") But in my defense, it is The Office. How can you not have a Jim and Pam relationship-leech addiction after watching some it?

Now I could go on for hours about TV and The Office (and Starship Troopers because its on all the time), but I want to say what happened yesterday while I was bored. I channel surfed. I have no idea what channels are what or what programs come on when; I just know the basics.

So I came across CSPAN. No one likes CSPAN. I can't think of more than 3 reasons why that station exists. Anyway, I flipped right past it, but the 7/13 of a second clip caught my eye (and my ear). I pushed the down button to go back to it and then I watched CSPAN. For like 12 minutes! It was actually entertaining. But it was not the normal CSPAN old-guy-talking-slow-at-a-podium-marathon. It was a British version.

At least for me, everything becomes more entertaining when a British accent is thrown into the mix. With CSPAN, I heard the politicians talk instead of experiencing the epitome of white noise. What was torture for me yesterday, became entertainment to me the next because of a slight alteration in the way the politicians were communicating. I guess little things do make big differences.

(And instead of clapping or giving a standing ovation after the speaker makes a point where others agree, like we do here in the US; the British politicians all, in disharmony, chant "Aye aye aye!" It is the funniest thing I have ever seen; except, for when Dwight runs into a telephone poll giving him a concussion, and causing him to act weirder than he usually acts. The Office @ 8PM on Thursday nights)

Guru's: Method of Resolution

I was at a nice, little sandwich wrap place eating what looked like a jungle wrapped up in a orange tortilla. I still can't figure out why the wrap was orange, or why my jungle wrap sort of tasted like a panther. I don't know if I'll go back to this (Guru's). It looked like a really happy, industrial version of Dr. Seuss. I'll probably try it again just because of they way it looked. Anyway, my friends and I were talking about stocks, globalization and a possible exit strategies with the war in Iraq (we were really talking about sports, The Office and quoting lines from Anchorman), when my friend Stuart brought up a good point. He said something along the lines of, "Girls are irrational. When a problem comes up, instead of thinking of a good possible resolution, they work up in their minds the most irational responses. And then stand by it regardless of how crazy it may be."

For example, Stuart meets a girl. Stuart likes this girl, and to his surprise, this girl likes him back. But there's a problem: This girl has a boyfriend. Stuart makes a bet with friends involving the girl. Girl texts him, "I know I have a boyfriend, but I'd really like to get to know you better." (Score!) Stuart shows his friends the text after making the bet. Friends lose hope in winning the bet. Stuart then hangs out with girl a lot (every day for a week). Then girl shows signs of creepy-ness and insanity. Girl tells Stuart she loves him and blah blah blah. Time goes by; Stuart has his mom drive him 3 hours to go to a frat party with girl (that part makes me laugh everytime I think about it). Stuart has no desire to go to the frat party, but goes anyway because she wants to go. He sits alone at a frat party where he doesn't know anyone for some time. Girl is off mingling with friends (and flirting with other guys like it's her job) as Stuart sits in a corner of a foreign frat house in college town where he only knows one person: the girl that is mingling with friends (and flirting like she's a fly that only has 24 hours to mate and reproduce before she dies). Stuart gets fed up (as he should) and decides to go back to the dorms. Not long after getting comfortable and watching some TV, the girl calls him mad and yelling. (Maybe he should have told her he was leaving? Yes, but maybe she should have involved him so he didn't want to leave in the first place) A fight ensues as soon as girl gets back to dorm. Girl now hates Stuart because...(think about the severity of his sin)...he left a frat party he didn't want to be at because the only person he knew (she "loved" him, remember?) ignored him as he sat alone in a weird house with Greek letters on it.

The problem was bad communication. Obviously, Stuart and the girl had different ideas of how this frat party was going to play out. But when that realization hit them both, they reacted differently. Very differently. (Maybe this next part is biased because I'm a guy, but hopefully its not. Hopefully, its how everyone should act.) Stuart was confused and slightly hurt by the frat party experience. The girl was enraged and bitter about the frat party experience. Stuart's reaction or method of resolution: Talk about it. Work things out. Girl's method of resolution: Hate Stuart. Close up and show no emotion or inkling of a desire to resolve things.

Maybe it's just me, but I think Stuart's method was more rational. (And if nothing else, more civil and respectful.) Stuart found out the hard way this girl was less than sane. Maybe next I'll try and figure out "why" girls tend to be irrational (not all the time, but a lot). Wait, wait....no I'm not going to try and figure that out. That doesn't sound fun at all! I'm just going to stop digging the grave, even if it is a little shallow. I'd rather deal with the little problems, then dig any deeper.

Halloween

This is more for me than anyone else. I have a horrible memory; and when I get bored at work, I need someting to do. So here are some Halloween costume ideas I'm considering:

1. Babysitter- attach a doll baby to my butt
2. Frank Einstein- get a Frankenstein mask and attach an Albert Einstein wig, spray the wig with green haircolor, wear a lab coat with pocket protector, pens, etc.
3. Q-Tip- puff up your hair and spray or powder it white (or wear a wig). Wrap your body in blue plastic wrap. Put cotton over your shoes.
4. Chick Magnet- attach Barbie dolls all over yourself.
5. Lorena Bobbitt- wear a nightie covered in fake blood, with messy hair, and bloodstreaks on your hands and face. Carry a knife and a large glass jar, with a "blood covered" sausage in it. Label the jar: Bobbitt, John.
6. Piece of Gum Stuck to Your Shoe- dress in all pink and attach a shoe to the top of your head.
7. Ceiling Fan- write "Go Ceilings!" on the front of your shirt. And don't forget to cheer!
8. God's Gift to Women- find a box large enough to fit around your body. Cut some holes for your arms and head, and then cover the box with wrapping paper. Add a large bow. Attach a tag that says "TO: Women, FROM: God".
9. Autograph Book- wear a white shirt and pants. Carry a Sharpy pen and have people sign you!
10. Pink Floyd- wear pink clothes. Add a name tag that says "Floyd."
11. Scrubs- Dress up like the guys from Scrubs.
12. Jesus at a Job Fair- wear "Jesus" robes, with a beard, long hair, and crown of thorns, but add a tie. Hand out resumes of your holy accomplishments, i.e., started world religion, motivated millions, etc.
13. Foosball Player- dress in a soccer uniform and insert a broomstick inside your shirt over your shoulders, coming out of your arms.
14. Dead Golfer- dress up like a regular golfer (plaid pants, sport shirt, golf glove, white golf shoes, etc.). Then you will need one of those practice golf balls that are hollow and made of plastic. Cut it in half and find a way to apply it to your forehead safely so you can take it off later. Next paint your face real dead-looking, with lots of fake blood around the edge of the golf ball. Carry a golf club.
15. Proctologist- wear hospital greens and a stethoscope, smear chocolate pudding all over the front of yourself and let dry. Wear a nametag that says "Dr. Ben Dover, Proctologist." For added grossness, wear gloves with pudding on them and lick them in plain view. You can also bring brownies, shape them like a stool, and eat them.
16. Lightning Victim- take old clothes, cut out some holes, then carefully burn the edges (adults only!). Tease your hair so it sticks straight up, smudge your face and any exposed skin with black make-up.
17. Dr. Pepper-get a white lab coat or some surgical scrubs, and pin some chili peppers all over yourself.


And that's all for now. But there will be more added as I think of more or find other ideas.

CNN is to Digg.com as 62 Bars of Butter are to Eclaires

I use my TV for only a few things: watching football games, playing football video games (the occasionally Halo bout, too), watching DVDs and playing guitar hero (which sounds like a video game, but it’s so much more). But despite my idiot-jock stereotype, I love the news. I love the approaching 2008 presidential election coverage, the rapid climate change controversy, the sad stories of deaths, kidnappings, and murders, the celebrity gossip, the sports scandals, and the list goes on forever. But sometimes it’s hard to keep up on the world’s events when you dislike TV. That’s why I want to share how I keep up on what’s going on in our crazy world.

Everyone knows our mainstream news outlets like CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC, but mainstream news (and anything for that matter) can only suffice someone for so long. The world is a non-stop bakery of delicious stories of heroics, perils, achievements, despair and creativity. The mainstream media outlets fail to feed us all the tasty morsels of information we need and crave. They do a great job of giving us large portions of the expected segments of current events, but they fail to satisfy the little necessary craves of “real news.” It’s like going to Costco to grocery shop. You find lots of necessary and good food, but your choices are strictly limited and the options you do have are in bulk supply. The large portions give you plenty of some of your vacated stock, but you still need the smaller grocery stores for the items you don’t want contained in a five gallon bucket.

And once again, the answer to our problem is the World Wide Web. Here are some excellent sites that provide viable options for “real news” supplement:

Popurls.com- Popurls.com is a huge compilation of many of the second-tier news providers. It takes some of the most popular stories, articles, pictures, and videos of the day and puts them in an easy-to-browse format. As its popularity has grown, so have its user-friendly options. Feel free to arrange the site that fits you best. You will leave Popurls.com feed and unbuckling your belt.

Digg.com- This site is one of the most popular news sites on the Web, and it got that way because it provides you the news that everyone wants to know about. Digg.com is a popularity contest of news stories. It has a wide range of topics that filter through daily. It is also appealing because you have the opportunity to report stories yourself. If you find a source that is interesting, then “digg it.” The article will post, and if it’s interesting, others will “digg it” too. Digg it?

Reddit.com- Reddit.com is the sister (or brother) to Digg.com. Two heads are better than one, but if you had to only have one, I’d go with Digg.com. Reddit.com is great, but comes in 2nd place behind Digg.com’s stylish appeal and already commanding presence.

BBC.com- American news is…the best. As we can all see from certain political leaders, no one is perfect. It is always good to see things in another perceptive. I like the British perspective. BBC.com does a great job portraying world news in a clear ray.

Boingboing.net- A smart and abundant blog style of news. Sometimes this site produces pointless, but interesting bits of information and sometimes it gives a perspective into the world that one other news site is sharing.

Newsvine.com- A green, personalized news catering machine. This site gives off a mainstream media vibe, but it allows the news-watcher to pick and choose what appears on the homepage. Newsvine.com is supported with stories by people like you and me, and they provide everyone with a chance to fulfill their motto: Get smarter here.

This bakery of a world makes lots of good treats, but it can also make some bitter concoctions. The news reports truth and that truth does not always sit well in our stomachs. But it is important to know what is going on here. In Orem or Provo, in Utah, in America and in this world. The remaining year and the upcoming year are going to be full of news that will affect us for years to come. But whether it’s an election year, or hurricane season, or during another Korean war, and whether or not you are a news watcher, you know you have to go grocery shopping somewhere.