Announcement

Hello!

My other blog formerly known as "Brain Tarts" has been changed to "Josh Tarts." The site address changed with it. It can now be found at http://joshtarts.blogspot.com. Also I posted 8 new blogs on it today, and its interesting enough without those blogs. (But those blogs are pretty cool too.)

Life's Questions Answered? Part I

7 Questions

Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets? (Contacted Heinz Co.)

The Heinz Consumer Resource Center said:
"The separation that you described may occur naturally in any homogenized product, such as ketchup. When the container stands on the shelf (either in the store or in the home) for a period of time, the liquids and solid ingredients may separate. Shaking the bottle brings the liquid and solid ingredients together, while that occurrence is not an issue with the packets."


Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? (Asked numerous mattress suppliers)

Basically no, but I could not get anyone to officially say that. Frankly, mattress people are meanie heads.


Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?

I asked Heinz Insu Fenkl this question. Heinz is an author, editor, translator, mythology scholar, and the director of the Creative Writing Program at the State University of New York, New Paltz. He is also the director of ISIS: The Interstitial Studies Institute at SUNY, New Paltz. He was named a Barnes and Noble "Great New Writer" and Pen/Hemingway finalist in 1997.

Heinz said: "That is pretty weird as questions go, but probably not as outlandish as the discussion about Ariel's genitalia. From what I gather of mermaid folklore, and about the definition of cannibalism, I would say that eating one is NOT cannibalism. If you are working under the definition of cannibalism as the eating of a member of the same species, it gets a bit trickier, since it appears that humans can breed with mermaids. (If a human and a mermaid could have a child together, this suggests they are of the same species, by some definitions).

If one says that cannibalism is eating another HUMAN, the issue is simpler, since mermaids are not human (and for the religiously-minded, do not have souls). I suppose the simple solution, if you are ever faced with the stigma of cannibalism, would be to cut the mermaid in half and eat the fish part. A pretty gruesome and technical solution, to be sure."

Perfect answer, Heinz.


If you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?

While you are on the American airline's plane, the American laws are still in place. So no drinking if you're under 21. But just so you know, the drinking age is 18 in Quebec, Alberta and Manitoba, but 19 everywhere else in Canada.


What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8? (Emailed a couple ESPN and Yahoo! sports people)

With a 1/120,000 odd of it happening, the chances are slim; but anything is possible, right? If it was to happen, the NFL would just move down the totem pole until there was a determining factor. The order of factors in determining division standings are:

1. Head-to-head (best won-lost-tied percentage in games among the clubs).
2. Best won-lost-tied percentage in games played within the division.
3. Best won-lost-tied percentage in common games.
4. Best won-lost-tied percentage in games played within the conference.
5. Strength of victory.
6. Strength of schedule.
7. Best combined ranking among conference teams in points scored and points allowed.
8. Best combined ranking among all teams in points scored and points allowed.
9. Best net points in common games.
10. Best net points in all games.
11. Best net touchdowns in all games.

I asked Matt Mosley, ESPN Writer, what he thought would happen in this scenario. He said, "That question gives me tired head. I assume you would first go to head to head tiebreakers in the divisions. Then you have to look at point differentials. Now I'll go bang my head against the wall several times."

I would probably do the same thing too, Matt. More than likely, it would come down to victory strength and schedule strength . And it would lean heavily on point differentials because schedule strength can be debatable. But let's not stress our brains too much though; this will never happen. Not as long as the Patriots continue to dominate like they have.


If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?

Most court systems do not use a formal Bible or religious text to make people swear by anymore. In fact, in court you are not required to swear at all if you claim to not believe in God, or even swearing itself. A 1961 U.S. Supreme Court decision guaranteed oath-takers the freedom to conscientiously object to religion or the swearing of oaths.

But in a case where a Jewish person is in court and wants to use the Torah instead of the Bible, judges have allowed it. The use of the Torah and Quran have been used numerous times in court.

"At the 1945 court-martial of a U.S. Navy captain, a Japanese submarine commander testified after swearing an oath tailored to his belief in Shintoism. And in a 1997 federal terrorism case, a Washington, D.C., judge permitted witnesses to swear to Allah before taking the stand."


Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves? (My own opinion)

I grew up on a nice street in a bad neighborhood; and in bad neighborhoods, the education levels are lower than Barry White's voice when he sings "Let's get it on." I know people that would eat peanut butter thinking that there were not any real nuts in it. That's a scary thought, huh? So the answer, in my opinion, is yes. Some people are stupid enough to not realize that peanut butter contains traces of peanuts or other kinds of nuts. Sad, I know.

What's the difference between a novel and a book? (my research supplemented by Dr. Dinty W. Moore from Penn State)

In Wikipedia.com, a novel is described as "a long prose narrative set out in writing," and a book is described as "a set or collection of written, printed, illustrated, or blank sheets, made of paper, parchment, or other material, usually fastened together to hinge at one side." It seems that a novel is a literary form of writing while a book is just a medium of principle expression.

When asked this question, Dr. Dinty W. Moore, a Professor of English, Arts & Humanities from Penn State University, replied, "A book is simply words between two hard (or soft) covers. It might be a true story, a collection of poetry, a series of unrelated chapters, or instructions on how to build a hang-glider out of pipe cleaners. A novel, on the other hand, is specific: a book-length fictional story, usually more than 175 pages."

The Ambien Interview - Danna and Kelly

I have chronic onset insomnia. It sucks.

Basically, I have the hardest time actually getting to sleep. Once I'm asleep I'm fine, but getting there is the tricky part. So I use the aid of a mild sedative called Ambien. It is the only thing that has ever helped me fall asleep.

Saturday night I took it while my girlfriend and her friend was there. They recorded everything I said and did, and this is what they recorded:

Playing guitar

Sang me a song about snowboarding

Really likes making out when he’s on ambien. I kept telling him that he wouldn’t remember it and he got really sad, so he asked if we could take a picture.

Chewed on my ear…

Went and brushed his teeth, couldn’t walk

Kept falling over when he was in the bathroom

Said he needed to go pee before bed, but didn’t shut the door. I did

Came out…got in bed. Was uncomfortable so he changed his shirt in front of us

“You pushed me!” Thought I pushed him on his face on the bed.

Since he was on his knees, he decided to say prayers…out loud with all of us.

“Dear Heavenly Father, we’re thankful for this day and all our blessings. We’re thankful for no one getting hurt snowboarding today. Thankful for good friends, happy people, devin’s new snowboards, thankful that we were able to get everything done, get done, git er done. Thankful for Jesus and the atonement.”

*Tried to get in bed by rolling over his head. Couldn’t do it. Finally got in and I tried to tuck his legs in. “Here I’ll help you.” *lifts legs*

Remind me that we want to go fly our carriage in the skies.

Tell the people with the pink hats to stop staring at me. It’s weird.

Said Kelly could do better than Devin. “You’re a good girl.”

Fell asleep for a split second, “hey”

I’d been talking to him for 20 minutes or more and he said, “I didn’t know you were here!”

“Who did you think you were talking to?” I don’t know

“I am an impenetrable force-tress.” (Referring to a comment about how if we were both on ambien, we would do naughty things.)

Had him sing his abc’s. He said, abcdefghijklmnopqxyzwxyz, those are my abc’s, come and join me won’t you please?

Backwards…on tape!

*after watching the tape* I could do better than that guy. I’ll show him.

“Hey josh…remember when we made out?” “No we didn’t. Kelly, why would you let me do that when you know I have a girlfriend.”

“Why did you leave me alone with Kelly? She made a weird face at me.”

“Kelly, I miss you, *holds hand out* that wasn’t a high five.” “What did you want?” “To hold hands” 3 minutes later *opens eyes* “Why are we holdings hands? I didn’t want to hold them that long.” “I like Danna’s hands.”

“Josh would you marry me?” “Wow…that’s a scary question. I don’t like that.”

“Would you marry Kelly?” “I don’t know. She’s cool, I like her, maybe. She’s Jacob’s sister, which is weird. But maybe”

“Did you have fun snowboarding today?” “Yeah” “Am I a bad snowboarder?” “Yes.”

“How bad?” “Oh I don’t know. What’s the scale.” “1-10” “what’s worst.” “10” “Oh, you’re way up there. Like 6 or 5.”

“You’re a good kisser for not someone without experience.”

*saw the picture of us kissing* “Who are you kissing? Are you cheating on me?”

“No, Josh that’s you.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” “Who would I cheat on you with?” “I don’t know, Spencer.”

“What a green ity?” “I didn’t get to see her in it”

“If it was a really hot celebrity, I would break up with you first.”

“What’s the theme? Oh yeah, Paris. Let’s see Eiffel Tower, statue of liberty. I don’t know much about that culture.” *few seconds later* “Were we talking about the French? Let’s not talk about them.”

“Do you like Mexicans?” “Yeah, they’re alright.”

“Do you like black people?” “I see what you’re doing. You’re sneaky.” “Yeah, I like them. Some are dumb. There are intelligent idiots and idiot idiots. I call them niggers. They are stupid.”

“I’ll never be embarrassed over calling someone a nigger.”

So I am nuts on Ambien. I am obviously more comfortable on it than I have ever been before. I would like to think I would not normally say some of those things while not under the influence. At least my friends get a kick out of me getting quality sleep.

I have 7 minutes to write this

I don't write stream-of-thought style very often, but my cutie girlfriend Danna inspired me with her lists and stream-of-thought blogs. This past couple months I've:

Gone skydiving
Written a short story
Gotten a raise
Kissed a girl
Fixed my car
Cleaned my car
Broke my car
Told some rude neighbors to stop saying the F-word
Almost killed myself on a 4 Wheeler in Cedar City
Missed a friend that is sick
Almost went to Las Vegas
Slept in too much
Stayed up too late
Played NCAA Football 2008
Beat Tommy's Georgia Bulldogs with my South Carolina Gamecocks in triple overtime
Went running
Ripped my brother a new one for making my Mom cry
Played in the snow
Got a girlfriend (finally lol)
Helped a friend when they got their wisdom teeth out
Played on a flag football intramural team (4-1)
Had a friend introduce me to Flight of the Conchords
Got a new computer after 3 month without one
Went on a double date
Taught Sunday School without any preparation
Saw "30 Days of Night" and "Dan in Real Life" in one movie going experience
Became good friends with an old friend
Minimized my Ambien intake
Cleaned out the shed
I did something I shouldn't have
Became a mentor for a 7 year old boy named Brent
Sang in a special musical number in church
Played Oh Heck with an amazing family
Talked about the gospel with a friend
Missed some good friends back in South Carolina (Tony, Dan, Ben, Lindsey, and Rachel)
Played some intense basketball
Got the heat fixed in my car
Was greatly disappointed in a girl
Was greatly disappointed in a friend
Laughed a lot and joked about a lot of gross stuff I shouldn't have with Jacob, Devin, Tommy, Kofoed, and others
Woke up almost completely naked (I had one sock on)
Raked the yard
Felt more nervous than I had since my awkward days from just getting home from my mission


This has been a good couple of months.