3rd Degree Disappointment

This is a more personal, stream-of-thought blog.

Last night around midnight, I found out that the girl I was crazy about was no longer moving to my city in January like she had planned. I had made plans revolving around her since meeting her in this summer. This news came with great shock and bitter disappointment. I had tried my best to not get my hopes up, because like in the past, I always get burned. I wouldn't classify this as "getting burned," but it feels very similar. I definitely had my hopes up.

The past two years have been great! I got off my LDS mission in December 0f 2005, and I immediately enrolled at the University of South Carolina as a biology major (I eventually switched to an English major). The two semesters at USC were not my favorite. I struggled socially and academically (I think they are connected - even though I would like to think they weren't). Over the summer, I moved to Cleveland, Ohio and worked for a dirty, unethical sales company called Firstline (who I hate now). I don't regret that summer, because I learned a lot of valuable things, but those experiences did cost me. Then after my second (socially miserable) semester as USC, I debated moving back to Utah to go to school. Everything about that option seemed good, so I did it. I left early from a family reunion in Myrtle Beach, SC on December 29 to drive through the wet, gradually decreasing temperatures of the South, the icy blizzards of the Midwest (I hate Kansas), and the towering, thin-aired terrain of the Rockies.

Driving through Soldier Summit at 95 mph, I realized this was the right decision; although, it could have been the adrenaline or the lack of oxygen at 6,000 feet above sea level. I spent the night that night with my friend Jacob because my housing complex wasn't allowing new tenants until the next day. Since being here, I've come to found out that I have the best friends in the world. Jessica, Devin, TK, Jacob, Dunn, Van, John, Kofoed, Leanna, Ben, Dan, Stuart, Joe, Nikki, Jessie, Cole, Edward, Kevin, Nathan, Paige, Jeremy, Sweet Pumpkin (April), Mary, and Haley. From the second I pulled into the Utah county, I have experienced nothing but fun, peace and happiness. There has not been a single disappointment for the past 11 months (since the cruise with naked Ashley- I'll tell that story another time). That's why this is so hard I think.

And now I face another decision in my life -- what the crap do I do now? I could easily roll over on this and decide this is my sign from God that we aren't meant to be. Or I could get depressed, and take out my frustration on her; or worse, on one of my other friends. I could never call her again and just get over it. I could feel taken advantage of (that's happened before) and retaliate against her. I could get over-anxious and try to change her mind by calling her too much and forcing a tighter bond to be made. But that would just make her like me less and probably make me repulsive and annoying.

All of those ideas are bad options. My real options are: 1) End things nonchalantly and still be "friends." But not good friends, because I'll start to like her again, of course. We still live in different cities, so we would only talk maybe once a month or something like that. 2) Continue to be good friends, like we are now, but without the guaranteed future. There would be a mutual understanding that there is a slim chance of a future together. But on my end, I would have to drop the emotional attachments or more accurate, the emotional hope. And lastly, 3) Endure. Realize that neither of us are even ready to get close to being serious with anyone. I can do my thing which is getting school done, saving money and keeping busy. She can do her thing which I don't think she even knows what "her thing" is. I think her best option now is to go on a mission. I didn't like this idea at first, but i think it's her best choice now. Let time go by and hopefully, that will give us both the answers we are looking for. Maybe she goes on a mission, I write her the whole time, and things get better than ever when she gets back. Maybe we go separate ways and both live happy lives despite veering off our projected life plan.

My real problem now is that I don't know how committed she ever was. I feel like that should have a major influence on this decision, but in reality, it doesn't. She wouldn't make this decision if she was as committed as I am (was). So I guess now I sit back, pray a bunch, and try to understand what I should do. And then do it.